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Culture of Divorce – Fear: The Great Destroyer

September 24, 2013

Divorce MediatorI have presided over more divorces than I want to remember.  If there were one common aspect to nearly all of them, I could easily say it was fear.  Divorcing couples are almost always afraid, quite often terrified at what they are facing.  One thing I know, FEAR is the great destroyer.  FDR once said, “We have nothing to fear, but fear itself”.  Sage advice.  If I could somehow take the fear out of divorce, that gesture alone would put an end to the ugliness in divorce.

So many people in a divorce think they are angry, frustrated, suspicious, or even disgusted with their spouse and blame them for all their woes, but what they really are is afraid.  Afraid that they will lose something important, or have lost something already.  Afraid that they have made a huge mistake by ever getting married in the first place.  Afraid to move forward alone.  Afraid that they will not be able to survive or cope on their own.  Afraid that the other spouse has some kind of malevolent power over them.  Afraid that their children will hate them because of the divorce.  Afraid to let go of the past.  Afraid to release themselves from the familiar cycles of pain.  Afraid of the future, afraid of the unknown.

At the root of anger is almost always fear.  Expressing anger will eventually begin to destroy those who author it.  Fear, on the other hand can be processed and expressed in a healthy way and can lead to healing.  Understanding fear within ourselves can lead to a managed life of depth and strength.  There is always room in my office to express fear, but not the kind of blaming fear so many indulge in in divorce cases.  Rather there is always room to own and express the fears that do not ascribe their creation to another person.  It helps to understand that fear is our own progeny, not put upon us by another.  It helps to understand that we author our own emotional states.

Divorce, as I see it, has always been one of the greatest opportunities for growth and renewal that can occur in the lives of many.  But there can be no growth, evolution or refinement of our personal lives unless we take full responsibility for why we are where we are, and for how we feel now, moment to moment.  “Victim-hood” is a toxic indulgence that too many individuals of divorce wallow in.  It keeps them bound under the co-dependent power of another, because it gives all their power away to the person they blame.  How can we ever take charge of our lives when everything bad we feel is because another person “made us feel that way”?  How can we move forward in freedom when we think that everything we don’t like that is happening to us is because the other person “made it happen to us”?

Go Divorce Clinic has from it’s very beginning approached the business of divorce, not from simply a family law perspective, but from a very human point of view.  There is so much at stake at the transition of divorce, particularly where there are children involved.  The social fabric of families in America deserve more than what is available through the traditional business as usual in the industry of family law.  Where there is seeming devastation and disintegration, there can be hope and opportunity, but we need wisdom, skill, compassion and integrity to light the way.  It’s never been about the money at Go Divorce Clinic, and it has always been more than just the legal paperwork.  At Go Divorce Clinic we find our passion in doing the right thing in the face of institutions and an industry that may not.

Share our services with those you may know in need of a healthier transition through divorce.  Visit us at:  www.GoDivorceClinic.com