When two people reach an impasse in divorce negotiations, they may believe no possible resolution exists. But what if the obstacle isn't the absence of a solution? What if it's the unwillingness to consider what finding that solution might require?
I've spent decades sitting across from people who walk in my office believing they've reached an impasse. They've argued, negotiated, made demands, rejected proposals, and finally arrived in my office with the hard conclusion: There is no possible resolution.
I have never been convinced that that's absolutely true.
I've come to see that every conflict has a possible resolution, and that human beings possess the capacity to choose it.
When one sees clearly that what prevents agreement is not necessarily the absence of a solution, it leaves only the unwillingness of one or both parties to consider what reaching that solution might require.
That's a distinction worth examining, particularly when two people are trying to end a marriage.
When Positions Become Prisons
In divorce negotiations, people often arrive with firmly imagined positions.
One spouse wants to keep the family home. The other insists it must be sold. One wants a particular parenting schedule. The other believes an entirely different arrangement is necessary.
Both may have compelling reasons. Both may believe their position is reasonable, fair, and justified.
And both may be clear about the importance of what they're asking for.
But the importance of a need doesn't establish that there's only one way to satisfy it.
The trouble begins when a preferred outcome becomes the only acceptable outcome, or narrows the possibility to such slim margins that resolution seems impossible.
At that point, the parties are no longer exploring possibilities. They're defending positions.
Every Need Is Part of the Puzzle
Consider a parent who wants to relocate for a better job, to care for an aging parent, or to pursue a different life. The other parent wants the children to remain in their familiar community, close to friends, schools, and extended family.
It's tempting to frame the conflict as one parent's needs competing against the children's needs.
But that isn't the whole picture.
The desire for meaningful work, financial security, family connection, stability, and a sense of purpose are all legitimate human needs. So are the children's needs for continuity and relationships with both parents.
They're all part of the same puzzle.
A resolution requires looking at the entire picture rather than treating one piece as though it exists independently of all the others.
That doesn't mean every need can be satisfied equally. It means every need can be considered when deciding what arrangement the parties are willing to accept.
Sometimes a person chooses one need over another. Sometimes they discover that something they considered essential is less important than something they hadn't fully recognized.
Those choices are not necessarily failures or defeats.
They are part of resolving the conflict.
The Difference Between Surrender and Defeat
People often resist compromise because they associate it with losing or fear that their perceptions are absolutely true—and true to the negation of the other's perspective.
To give something up does not mean surrender. To surrender is not to lose, because fundamentally, often what is being surrendered is an absolute point of view.
I've found that recognizing this distinction can make an otherwise difficult negotiation more productive.
Modifying a position is not necessarily surrendering one's agency.
A spouse may strongly prefer to keep the family home but ultimately agree to sell it because doing so makes other important things possible.
That person hasn't necessarily been defeated. They may have made a thoughtful, voluntary decision to prioritize one need over another.
Likewise, a parent may agree to a parenting arrangement that wasn't their first choice because they've come to understand its benefits within the larger circumstances of the family.
Mutual consent can coexist with elements of letting go.
In fact, many meaningful agreements require both parties to relinquish something.
A consensus obtained through coercion is not an agreement. I'm talking about two people exercising their capacity to choose, even when the choices are difficult.
The Limits of Being Right
One of the most persistent obstacles I've encountered in divorce negotiations is the conviction that an agreement must somehow establish who was right or deserving.
Who contributed more? Who sacrificed more? Who caused the marriage to fail? Who deserves to get their way?
These questions are provocative and can consume an extraordinary amount of valuable time and precious emotional energy.
A negotiation is not a trial of the marriage participants.
Its purpose is to discover an arrangement the parties can mutually accept and live with.
That often requires a willingness to consider possibilities beyond the outcome each person initially imagined.
The Resolution Hasn't Been Discovered Yet
Two people can genuinely hear and understand one another and still see things differently.
That isn't a failure.
It means the required resolution hasn't been discovered yet.
I believe that resolution exists, even when neither party can presently see it.
This doesn't mean the solution will be obvious, comfortable, or equally satisfying in every respect. It doesn't mean either person will get everything they want.
It means that somewhere beyond the positions they're defending, there may be an arrangement they haven't yet considered—or a choice they haven't yet been willing to look at.
The difficulty is that discovering such an arrangement requires more than intelligence or good intentions.
And openness can be especially difficult when people are frightened, angry, hurt, or convinced that yielding anything will cost them everything.
On the contrary, I have seen strategic yielding preserve what would most likely have cost an entire marital estate, along with one's dignity and emotional well-being.
I've watched negotiations change when the parties begin to recognize that considering another possibility doesn't obligate them to accept it.
There is a freedom in that which translates into the process at large. It loosens things up a bit, in a very productive way.
It allows both parties to see options and possibilities they couldn't see before.
Willingness Is a Choice
Some choices are profoundly difficult.
Difficulty and impossibility are not the same thing.
Neither are disagreement and deadlock.
When someone says, "There is no solution," I wonder whether what they really mean is, "There is no solution I'm presently willing to accept."
Those are two very different statements.
The first closes the door to possibility.
The second at least acknowledges where the obstacle may lie.
And acknowledging that obstacle can be the beginning of a very different conversation.
The Work That Remains
At Go Divorce Clinic our role is to provide the structure for documenting the decisions the parties make together.
Those decisions belong to the people who must live with them.
I've learned that the most productive question in a difficult negotiation is not always, "How do I convince the other person to agree with me?"
That question doesn't require anyone to abandon their values, ignore their needs, or surrender their right to choose.
It asks only that they examine whether the position they're defending is the only possible way forward.
After decades of working with couples in conflict, I remain convinced of something that may sound overly optimistic to some:
A resolution does exist. Only the willingness to find it sometimes does not.
And until both parties are willing to look beyond what they already believe is possible, the resolution may remain undiscovered.
Two People. One Process. A Clear Path Through.
Go Divorce Clinic provides a structured, shared online process for California couples who are willing to work together toward an uncontested divorce. Our DIY Portal helps both spouses organize their agreements, prepare the necessary paperwork, and move through the process together. The decisions remain yours.
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